We’ve all read the articles on modern love. We’re a bunch of non-committal, option seeking, instant gratification, casual everything types. Or so they say. And if this is what they’re saying about our love, what are they saying about our heartache?

Thing is, I don’t think much is being said about modern heartache. If we don’t even get to fall in love properly, how are we expected to grieve properly? I mean, were you even IN a relationship?

I’ve heard way too many people brush off the awfulness of rejection by saying something like, “it wasn’t like he was my boyfriend.” Hell nah. You get to be sad. You put yourself out there, let a stranger see your heart/soul/tits and for whatever reason it ended. It is still hard. It’s a completely different type of love torture when you don’t get closure because things were ambiguous to begin with.

So I think it’s appropriate to feel like shit if after a month of hooking up, the communication goes silent and your friends are yelling GET OVER IT. I’d like us to stop diminishing our hurt feelings. Dwelling on a month long hook-up may not be the healthiest mentality, but perhaps suppressing our true pain leads to prolonged heartache.

In a culture where love is casual, break-ups are meant to be shaken off. Even at the end of what’s considered a “relationship,” there’s an expectation that we shouldn’t fall to pieces. Beyonce is telling us to rejoice in being a single lady but we’re sobbing because he never even considered he might, one day, put a ring on it.

I remember I called in sick to work the day after a break up. And it wasn’t because I coincidentally caught the stomach flu the moment we said it was over. It’s because I spent all night crying, woke up with my eyes swollen, and couldn’t imagine what would happen if someone flippantly asked, “how are you?” I felt so stupid for missing work. He wasn’t immobilized by heartache. Many people aren’t. I felt ashamed of my need to grieve, to process my emotions before interacting with the world at large.

I know that I am a strong, independent woman. But I still occasionally need to sob on the floor. One does not counteract the other. When I grieve, I grieve hard. Like a wrecking ball of tears. Then I put myself back together, wiser and stronger than before. Just like Miley.

We need to stop apologizing for being sad. When I find myself crying in front of a friend, my first reaction is to say I’m sorry. Why? Because I think crying shows I’m not resilient. There are certainly times when you should try to hold back tears. For instance, when you’re on public transportation (unless you want to tell a stranger about your life). But when a friend asks how you’re coping, let ‘em flow.

One of the greatest things someone ever said to me after a break-up was that my sadness was actually a good thing. It meant I cared enough to be that hurt. It was the first time I had ever thought to be proud of my tears.

Heartache is a sign that you made yourself vulnerable and opened yourself up to all the great things. So to all the lovers out there: love with passion and hurt with pride.